


She Was A Girl, Xe Was A Genderfluid

by MorganasCrow



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Morgause, Bullying, Genderfluid Character, Intersex, Other, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-21 16:55:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6058918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganasCrow/pseuds/MorganasCrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Morgana is being bullied because of xyr gender identity... Can anyone help xyr through xyr tough times?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully genderfluid supportive...

I.

  
"She cuts to see blood!"  
\- Carnifex (Slit Wrist Savior)

Morgana woke up when the alarm clock began ringing, but xe left xyr eyes closed for few more seconds. Then xe switched the annoying sound off and rose xyr frame from the bed. Xe felt being a boy today. He struggled with this his whole life. Morgana was fluctuating between the genders all xyr life. And thanks to this xe had real obstacles with recognizing and explaining xer sexual orientation. Xe was always interested in girls only, oscillating between a straight boy and a lesbian girl - Morgana was gynromantic gynsexual, but xe didn't know the term... that's why xe identified xemself as "demi-bisexual". He got dressed, brushed his teeth and left for school.  
It was quite okay today. Morgan felt merry. He had met a very nice and sympathetic girl. Her name was Morgause and she appeared very demure, but somehow she managed to talk to Morgan with ease. Morgan liked Morgause. She was able to make Morgana laugh like no one before. But would she still talk to Morgana if she found out who xe really is?

  
* * *

Morgana rose from xyr bed and went to the bathroom. Xe felt being more a girl today, so she made her hair, done her make up and wore a wonderful dress. When she left for school, she rejoiced. Unfortunatelly her day was spoiled with obnoxious rancour. Guinevere, Agravaine and Sophia trampled into her path: "What do we have here?" sput Agravaine venomously. "Our little ladyboy?" Morgana didn't want to speak about this. "Just lady, if you won't mind," she uttered and passed Agravaine by. Another second she was canted on the locker. She cried out in pain. Guinevere tripped her up and as Morgana collapsed on the floor, Sophia kicked her ribs. Morgana curled up into a ball to protect her head and belly, but the hits were covering her body.

* * *

Morgana crawled out of the school and got home somehow. She hated herself. She hated her body for betraying her... For swapping from male to female, for no power to control it, for being bullied because of that... She had to punish her body.  
Morgana entered the bathroom. She brought the razorblades she'd bought that afternoon. As she was sitting in the bathtub filling with hot water, she recalled what did Agravaine and others tell her. Drops are shattering upon her skin and hair. She picks up the razor and remembers what they said, slitting her skin while wishing she was dead. Drop after drop the blood's pouring out into the bathtub while there's nobody around...  
She picks herself up and wipes up the mess, pulls up her sleeves and hopes no one will guess.

 

"The blade still twisting in  
Bleed until the bitter end."  
\- Die Sektor (Bleed Till The Last Light Flickers)


	2. II.

"With numbed emotion  
Razorblade incision  
With this blade I end all your pain."  
\- Die Sektor (The Beating Of Broken Wings)

Morgana woke up when the alarm clock began ringing, but xe left xyr eyes closed for few more seconds. Xyr cuts were throbbing. The first incisions had healed already, but Morgana had been bullied for so long xe added fresh cuts every day. Xe rose from xyr bed, departed to the bathroom and dressed xyr wounds afresh. Xe felt being a girl today. She was hoping in meeting Morgause, because everything was easier with Morgause.

* * *

Morgana was laying on the floor, bitter tears dripping from her eyes. While Agravaine was checking the door outside, preventing anyone from entering the ladies' bathroom, Guinevere and Sophia were turning Morgana's life into a bloody hell. They left her there on the floor, broken, beaten and scarred. Morgana crawled into the cubicle and caressed her wrists anew. As she watched the scarlet drops dissolve in the toilet, she felt some kind of relief.  
* * *  
Morgana dressed her wounds, pulled up her sleeves and opened the door. Morgause was standing there by the wall, watching her, examining her, studying her. "Hello, Morgause," whispered Morgana, holding the tears in her voice. Morgause came close to Morgana, so close she was almost touching her. "Hello, Morgana." But Morgause's hand wasn't touching Morgana's - it lead straight towards the small box on the edge of Morgana's pocket. Morgause put Morgana's razorblades into her own pocket. Morgana tried to reach for them, but Morgause pushed her hand aside carefully. "I promise," whispered Morgana in a weak voice. "I promise I won't cut too deep. I promise I won't die..." I promise whatever you want, she thought, just give me my razor back so I can carry on ruining what's left.  
Morgause caught Morgana's hand carefully: "Show me your scars," she whispered. A confused look started to seep into Morgana's features. "Why?" she asked. Morgause pressed herself closer to Morgana's shape: "I want to know how many times did you need me while I wasn't there."  
Morgana gingerly pulled down her sleeves to show the dreadful lines crisscrossing her forearms. Morgause scrutinised the white marks carefully. Then she found one scar, which seemed to be the eldest. She laid her fingers on it and felt Morgana shivered. Thus she pressed her lips agains the scar. That feeling either chilled Morgana to the core, either spilt boiling lava over her inside. Morgana felt Morgause's lips crawling up her arm, her shoulder, her neck, her cheek. "Who would love a freak like me?" whispered Morgana to herself more than to anyone else.  
Morgause pressed her lips roughly against Morgana's, kissing her with love and care, pouring her strength and adoration into Morgana's veins. "I will never let you down, I will never let you go," whispered Morgause, kissing Morgana's ear tenderly. "I pledge you my love. I will always love you, my darling." Morgana succumbed and her lips embraced Morgause's  
When their lips parted, tears were sparkling in Morgana's eyes. "They will hate me for the cuts." Morgause embraced Morgana tightly, feeling her heartbeats beneath her palm. "They don't know you," whispered Morgause. "They were careless to your suffering. So be careless to their judgements. I do care... and I know why." She pressed her lips against Morgana's wrists. "I swear I'll make sure cuts will appear no more. I'll take care of you."

"They don't even know you  
All they see is scars  
They don't see the angel  
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you  
Buried deep within  
Let them know with all you've got  
That you are not your skin."  
\- Sixx:A.M. (Skin)


End file.
